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By Scott Farrell
I spent most of this morning bent over my bathroom sink with a
Water-Pik up my nose. This was not due to any sort of tragic dental
hygiene accident--I was doing this because my wife, who is a trained
medical professional, recommended it as a method to relieve the
symptoms of the cold I've had for the past 322 years. Actually,
I think I've only had the cold for four days, but it sure feels
like It has been a lot longer than that. When I woke up this morning
I was pretty sure that a lizard or some form of kangaroo rat had
taken up residence in my sinuses during the night. When my wife
heard me honking and snorting, she prescribed the Water Pik nasal
washing attachment.
I have seen my wife use this particular nose washing gizmo before,
and it doesn't seem to bother her, although it looks like something
you would find in the interrogation room of a Tijuana prison. As
the morning went on, however, my condition continued to worsen
until finally I decided that nothing could make me feel any worse.
I was, of course, entirely wrong about that.
The Water-Pik nose washer works by squirting hot salt water up
into your sinuses in order to rinse out all the mucous. What my
wife failed to mention during the pre-operative portion of the
procedure was where, specifically, the mucous goes when it is washed
out. When I stuck the nose washing attachment into my nostril,
I quickly discovered exactly where the mucous goes. First, it is
forced by the pressure of the incoming water into your brain, and
when your brain becomes saturated with mucous, it is then forced
out into your eyeballs. Finally, after a pressure of about 2,400
psi had built up in your cranial cavity, the water gushes down
the back of your throat and you spend the next five minutes leaning
over the sink with huge clumps of what is clinically referred to
as "green snot" coming out of your mouth.
I can think of several more enjoyable ways to spend a morning.
I'm pretty sure I caught this cold last week when a woman in our
office brought in a plate full of holiday snacks called "choco-mallow
cinn-a-krispy fudgenut caramel butter bars," or something like
that. Everyone shared these little goodies with all the festive
spirit of a school of Santa-Claus-hat-wearing piranhas--and only
when I was unwrapping my sixth one did she mention that her daughter
had stayed home sick from school the day before. I then realized
that what she was really passing around the office were delicious
virus bombs wrapped in red and green foil.
Needless to say, two days later I was at home sick with a Water
Pik up my nose. (I must admit that my sinuses cleared up considerably
after using it, but I also signed a written confession that I had
smuggled drugs across the border after attempting to assassinate
the vice-president of Mexico.) Cold and flu viruses have been with
us for thousands of years, yet we know surprisingly little about
them. Even with our considerable medical technology we can't cure
these annoying infections, and even preventing them is difficult.
As we all try to politely avoid our friends who are sneezing, coughing,
hacking, snorting and oozing from various orifices, perhaps this
would be an appropriate time to review the various methods used
over the years to prevent the spread of colds and flu with as much
detailed research as possible with several gallons of salt water
draining out of my brain.
Primordial Flu
The viruses which cause colds and flu are a result of man's long
and intimate association with poultry. The first known cases of
these diseases were reported in the Far East where farmers interacted
so closely with their ducks and geese that the relationship often
involved flower arrangements and love poetry. Cold and flu viruses
were quickly spread by popular demand throughout Western Europe
with extremely successful results--at least from the viral point
of view. Years later, when the proper technology and distribution
systems had been established, these diseases were passed along
to Africa and the Americas by mail order.
The name "influenza" comes from the Latin term meaning "to influence," because
physicians during the Middle Ages and Renaissance thought the sickness
was a result of the "influence" of the stars and planets, which
would hack down giant globs of celestial phlegm as they moved throughout
the night sky. The term "cold" is used generically to describe
any number of varieties of rhinitis, but the term originates from
the days when farmers and peasants would huddle in their filthy
shacks during the winter months, swapping various bodily discharges,
until one of them began to hack and wheeze and was summarily hurled
out into the "cold" by his companions who didn't want to share
his disease.
Many ancient cultures thought that colds and flus (as well as
most other diseases) were caused by night air, which contained
the ill humors which made people sick. The Romans thought that
colds were caused by evil spirits which tried to expell the soul
from the victim's body through the nose. For this reason, they
said, "Jupiter protect you," every time someone sneezed in the
hopes that the sneezer's soul would be shielded by the gods. Fortunately
modern medical knowledge has rendered this superstitious custom
obsolete, and we no longer observe this barbaric ritual.
A Cure Fer What Ails Ya
Hundreds of years ago, ancient surgeons and barbers thought the
best way to cure a cold was to "bleed" a person in order to release
the ill humors and evil spirits from the body. The benefit to this
system was that the loss of blood was a fairly effective method
of forcing the patient to rest; the drawback was that if the cold
persisted, repeated treatments would probably result in a visit
from the mortician.
In more recent times, physicians believed that colds and flus
were dispelled by the patient's sneezes, and sneezing was seen
as the sign of recovery. In light of this, medical experts thought
that inducing sneezing was the method to cure a cold, and they
went to great lengths to irritate the sinuses of their patients--including
prescribing dried animal dung for snorting. (Suddenly the Water
Pik doesn't sound so bad.)
Even today there are plenty of "folk remedies" for colds and flus
which are still widely in use. The most famous of these is probably "mom's
chicken soup," which was undoubtedly aided in its curative properties
by the fact that mom bundled us up in 16 layers of blankets on
a nice soft bed with a cup of hot tea and two aspirin before giving
us the soup. Who wouldn't feel better after all that?
Another modern cold remedy many people turn to during the winter
months is vitamin C. In the absence of any sort of clinical data,
most people stand by the theory that vitamin C comes from oranges,
which are the same color as the sun, and since hardly anybody catches
a cold during the summer, it must be a cure. Right?
Not surprisingly, there are plenty of sources of misinformation
about cold and flu cures, not the least of which is "health" magazines.
One of these magazines recently told its readers that a cold wasn't
actually a disease, but was really just "nature's way of telling
you to call in sick and take a day for yourself." This sound advice
was right next to another hard-hitting medical article entitled "Ten
Tips For Terrific Toenails."
The only sure way to "cure" a cold is to allow it to run its course,
but there are ways to lessen the chances of catching one in the
first place. The best method is simply to keep your hands clean
and away from your face and mouth. Several companies have recently
capitalized on this advice by offering "anti-bacterial hand lotion" which
is supposed to keep cold germs from spreading, but which is probably
more effective in accumulating money into the bank account of the
inventor who realizes that most people don't know the difference
between a virus and a bacteria.
Another cold preventative currently on the market is a mouth wash
which claims to coat the mouth and throat with zinc in order to
keep out cold and flu germs. The manufacturers undoubtedly chose
zinc on the theory that you don't see too many lag bolts or cabinet
hinges with the sniffles.
When all is said and done, not much has changed in cold and flu
technology in the past 5,000 years or so other than how efficiently
we pass them to one another. No matter how much we try, we're not
immune to the darned things. When we catch one, the best advice
is to allow the body's immune system to do what it does best with
the help of a few blankets, some hot tea and a bowl of chicken
soup. If symptoms persist, try a few "choco-mallow krispy butter
bars" to chase away those evil spirits--it's a much more pleasant
solution than a Water-Pik up the nose.
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